Letters to my Younger Self: Distraction

As the water rushed over me, I tried to think of a topic for my English essay.

Hmm… maybe sand? There’s a lot of that out here. What if I talked about the different types? Yes! Sandbox sand could represent  something being fake or glossed over since it was the first kind of sand that I was introduced to and other sand really isn’t like that. Beach sand could be like really clingy best friends since it gets so stuck to everything. And desert sand… maybe perfection because of the way the sun shines on it? Wait, how does that make any sense?

Our topic was people and the relationships between them. The thing is, my mind kept wandering to one person in particular. I’d been trying to stop thinking about her, but I just couldn’t. At first, she was unattainable. She was smart- like, super smart, and that’s all that I knew about her when I met her that first day on the playground. That was when I first realized that we’re all just people, no matter our differences. Even though I’ve long forgotten many of my elementary school classmates, she always stood out in my memory. There was just something different about her, I guess.

In middle school, I made friends with her and a lot of other smart people. It turns out that none of us were really that different from one another. I’ve still got some of the little trinkets that we exchanged in a shoe box in my dorm room. We always said that we’d be together forever. It turns out that forever is actually a really short amount of time. There was an argument between a couple of my friends and suddenly I knew that they were all waiting for me to take sides, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that because I’ve always been good at seeing both sides of things- one of my friends was a bit more sensitive, and another tended to be really sarcastic, and- well- anyone could figure out how things went from there. By the time we moved on to high school, I wasn’t friends with anyone going to my school except for her.

I’m just going to put this out there right now: I was a complete loner in high school. She was the only person there that I could actually express all of my feelings to, which was great- until I started having feelings for her. One time in gym class, we were outside playing some game that involved a lot of running, which she was really good at, and that was when I realized how terrible I was at everything compared to her. She was beautiful, smart, athletic, and kind to everyone. Everyday I looked in the mirror and saw a body that I didn’t want, people who implied that I was somehow stupid because I was a little bit different, and by that point I was just so frustrated that I would snap at everyone, and I ended up losing a lot of friends. But never her. The thing is, in that argument she lost a friend, and that had never happened to her before. Then she was doubting herself. I tried to help, tried to make things right. We would sit there playing board game after board game, but she would still keep losing. I knew that it was just chance, but she blamed it on herself. She just assumed that every bad thing that happened was her fault.

After that, I knew that I needed to let her know how special she was and I… you know, I don’t even want to talk about it. How about you read this nice little story instead? It pretty much sums up how things went after I told her how I felt about her. I try to let go, but I can’t. Not after spending so much of our lives together.

Author’s Note: Everything that I talk about as part of the past, up to where I actually tell her my feelings, is real. On a different note, my story is being discussed in book club on The Sims Forums this week. “Coffee hour” (aka where “host” for the week poses some questions for the author and readers to promote discussion) will take place on Friday, June 17th. Of course, you’re free to discuss the story all week and ask me any questions that you may have about it. If you have an account over there, we’d love to have you! And if you don’t (and don’t want to make one) I encourage you to talk about it in the comments section, and maybe even answer some of the questions that get asked over there over here. That wasn’t too confusing, was it?

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2 thoughts on “Letters to my Younger Self: Distraction

  1. It always happens to me when I read your “Letters”–I get about halfway through the second paragraph, and I melt. That honesty and authenticity–it communicates so effectively. I always end up wishing I were your younger self! LOL! Just so I could read these letters, written to me! (I keep thinking that I need to do this, too, so that my younger self can receive this same type of gift that you’re giving your younger self…)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all I have to say that I love how real and honest this chapter felt. In fact, this story feels very real and honest, and it’s very well written and I really love the idea of sending letters to your younger self. We can’t really change the past, and we all make mistakes, but it’s good to learn from them, and I like how this story shows that through the advice you give to your past self.

    Liked by 2 people

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